Mama Drama

Loving Nudity

2011-02-08T12:44:00.000-08:00

What Goes on in a House Dominated by Estrogen?
I have had the privilege (and challenge) of raising 4 gorgeous daughters. I also was blessed with a wonderful, loving, handsome son. Growing up he wasn't quite sure if God loved him or hated him, sandwiching him in the middle of 2 older and 2 younger sisters.
Life in our home was never dull. I found that boys really are much easier than girls…at least mine was, or perhaps it only seemed that way because he was so grossly out numbered. As the years have passed however, my brood has grown and some have spread their wings and left the nest. I am now down to just me and my youngest "angel". She is now frighteningly close to 17! 18 and is everything a teenage girl is reputed to be.
Although I am "one of the girls" I am also the Mom and the "Alpha Dog" of our pack of "bitches" (so to speak), and I run our little sorority house. This has been our living arrangement for the last 10 years and I've found that, with no men in the house, (my son has long since flown the coop), we have become accustomed to many habits that are routine to us but seem foreign to others.
One of those habits is a "clothing optional" habit that we have developed over the years. Most of the time, we opt to go without (no, you can't have our address). Life is so much simpler without clothing! If we get out of the shower and can't decide what to wear, no stress; don't dress! We can run back and forth between bedrooms as we dress (we wear the same size although our heights differ slightly), do our hair, and apply our make-up. Our only real motivation to ever wear anything when at home is the cold. In the summer, we never need to dress unless we leave the house.
The drawback to this little habit of ours is that we have all been known to leave the house or walk outside only partially dressed on occasion! It's amazing how comfortable you can become with being nude…or at least partially nude. It almost feels "odd" to wear clothing! Another drawback? Having that one son (he's not the drawback!) that occasionally calls our house home. As a 24 year old young man, he does not want to walk in on his Mom or his sister nude! Most men might think of this sorority house of nude woman as a fantasy come true, but trust me (and my son!), when it's your mom and little sister, it's no fantasy!! He’s gotten really good at opening the door and calling out to make sure the coast is clear before he’ll open his eyes.
There are enough challenges raising daughters that I believe it's important to embrace the positive. Since I am the original nudist around here, I feel I've earned the right to enjoy the benefits of an all female household.
Maybe one day I'll have a man in my life that will put an end to our little nudist colony. Soon enough, the last of my girls will be out on her own and probably in situations where she can't shed her clothes on a whim (and I'll send her a sympathy card)! But until then, I'm going to bask in the joy of the moment and hope my "freedom loving" daughter will do the same!!

Life is Short

2011-01-04T21:23:00.000-08:00

I lost my Father on December 30th.

I was not ready...

are we ever ready to lose someone?

I guess what I mean is, I didn't see it coming. He surprised us all.

He was 6' 2" and over 300 lbs.

He played for the Rams, he was a Lieutenant for the California Highway Patrol and he was larger than life to me, his little girl.

He called me Peachbutt.

He said my butt looked like a peach when I was born.

In the end he still, somehow, didn't seem fragile to me, even as I held his hand and he lie there dieing. He seemed...strong.

I write this not for sympathy but as a way of honoring a great man

who passed all to quietly that night.

He was not the average father.

He had a sharp and quick sense of humor. He was so quick with witty and often sarcastic comebacks. He was so amusing to be around.

I got my sarcastic sense of humor from him, as did my 3 siblings.

If my dad was afraid of anything, I don't know what it was.

However, this seemingly invinsible man is no longer with us...

in the conventional sense.

BUT...

I know that my father's spirit lives on.

In the end of dad's journey here in this life he gave me the greatest gift imaginable.

He gave me a glimpse into the spirit world as he, on more than one occassion,

expressed sheer delight at the number of "people" who had come to greet him!

I could not see these beings but he knew many of them and was, in his altered state, introducing me to them. He was thrilled as he saw his own mother and young grandson who passed many years ago. I couldn't help but feel a sense of peace knowing that so many loved ones had come to help him in his transition into the next life.

As I said,

I write this to honor my father, and to thank him for allowing me to leave 2010 and usher in a new decade surrounded by angels...literally.

Thank you Dad.

I love you for all you were to me and all that you will continue to be.

I will miss you but I know that you are at peace and with loved ones.

With all my heart,

~Peachbutt~

Just Another Day at Wally World!

2010-08-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

Another day, another reason to laugh!

I recently enjoyed the opportunity to visit a place where people wear their pajamas, regardless of the time of day, avoid showering the week (or month?) before they go, shuffle instead of walk and drive grocery carts without a valid license.
While I was there I purchased $140.00 worth of merchandise and received a priceless amount of entertainment!
For starters, I entered expecting the usual greeting from a person I like to call the "Crypt Keeper." I was disappointed on this particular trip however. I didn’t get my greeting. What a gyp! Since I had merchandise to return I was required to get an orange sticker on that item before continuing on to customer service. So, I obediently went over to the Crypt Keeper. She was, however, very involved in a serious discussion with a customer about the best way to ummm, un-constipate a Snicker-Doodle, or some other, obviously uncomfortable, mutt dog. Don’t get me wrong, I think her Snicker-Doodle has as much right to his daily cockapoo as the next dog, but I just didn’t want to hear about the lengths this woman had gone to, trying to assist her canine companion with his situation. But, I’m nothing if not tolerant, so I stood there, and stood there…and stood there. I finally (accidentally) stood on the Crypt Keeper’s foot. I heard crunching sounds but I’m sure it was just her shoe. No one’s bones are that brittle! When she yelled out in pain (she was obviously a drama queen) I jumped (probably on her foot again) at the opportunity to interrupt the Poo Police and ask for my damned orange sticker. That was, after all, her job! She seemed very annoyed that I interrupted after only waiting 10 minutes, but in my defense,

10 minutes of listening to pooch poo poo problems was like 2 HOURS in dog years!
Anyway, I finally returned my item after another enjoyable hour in line. On the bright side, I did get to spend that time conversing with a 75 year old man who thought I was “one hot mama” while being pelted with spit wads from the two adorable boys waiting in line behind me with their mother, who was obviously in the running for “Mother of the Year!”
Then, I had my shopping to do.

The Shufflers

I was amazed at the uncanny knack so many people have to completely block an isle by simply shuffling obliviously from side to side. Just when I’d think I could make it around them, they would totally break character by moving quickly into my path!
No Way Are You Passing ME! Wow! Where did that speed come from??
Then there are those who park their cart sideways in the center of the isle making it impossible to pass them unless you happen to be shopping in a hover craft…wish I had one.

Zoned Out!

Many shoppers like to just stand in the center of any given isle while staring at the merchandise. I’m not really sure what is going on there. I mean honestly, what possible reason could a person have for staring at cans of olives for five solid minutes? And why don’t they, when they see (they do SEE me, don’t they?) another shopper trying to get around them, simply step aside?

Quality Family Time

Then there are the families that like to shop together. Anyone who knows me, knows I am all about family. I used to take my children shopping with me too. But I also had manners, and taught my children to be polite and move out of the other shopper’s way. I think these people have another plan though. I think they are so frustrated with their kids, which is evident by the amount of yelling and spanking I always witness there, that they allow them to be rude and unruly just so that others have to suffer too! As I tried to maneuver my cart through the store, entire families would spread out in front of me, making me wonder, once again, if I was invisible, and have discussions and even arguments best reserved for the Jerry Springer show. The children would spin around and dance in front of my cart while mom and dad would stand, center isle, and have a heated debate over whether fluorescent colors and sugar in their kid’s breakfast cereal really did them any harm. By the looks of their kids, I’d say yes. I raised my hand but they never called on me for my opinion.

Speeders

As I cautiously exited an isle I was nearly t-boned by a frenzied looking woman who appeared to have styled her hair by sticking her finger in a light socket and a look on her face that said she was just waiting for a reason to pull her .38 special out of her purse and blow someone’s head off. Even though she was clearly exceeding the speed limit and a collision would have been her fault, I apologized and smiled. She actually growled at me and then grumbled something about my mother under her breath. I wonder if she really knows my mom?

The Family Speed Bump

The fun continued in the parking lot as I was trying to escape, I mean leave, Wally-World. Another family was just arriving to begin their reign of terror. They were facing my car and walking directly towards me. The entrance to the store was to their right but they did not want to have to move out of my way until they felt good and ready. I actually had to come to a complete stop…well, I didn’t have to, but I thought that saying that I thought the entire family was a giant speed bump might not go over real well with local law enforcement so I sat there a good three minutes while they walked about 75 feet or so before they gradually began their turn towards the store eventually allowing me to pass.

Just Plain Psycho

And just as I thought I was free and clear a man bolted out from between parked cars, riding a shopping cart like a scooter at high speed with his child in the cart! He pushed her directly into my path. I slammed on my brakes just barely missing them. I figure that either;

1. He didn’t see me
B. He was a complete Moron (and no, I didn’t say Mormon,
So calm down!)
3. He didn’t like his kid that much and was hoping to sue me and get rich.
Or…
D. All of the above

I personally believe it was D. Regardless, I have come to view shopping at Wally World as not just part of my job as a mother, but an adventure…and one that makes me laugh as well. So thanks to all of those who are socially and verbally as well as hygienically challenged. You make the world a special place!

What is a "Good Baby?"

2010-07-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

Have any of you mothers ever been out with your little bundle of joy and been approached by a well meaning friend, or even a total stranger, and been asked, "Is he/she a good baby?"

This question always baffles me. Is it a "good" baby??? Really? As opposed to what? An "evil" baby?

I've raised a lot of babies and now I have grand babies. I know some babies cry more than others, fuss more and may not sleep as well, but does that make them "bad?" And I have to wonder, does the person asking the question have a bad baby and she's just comparing notes to see if she's alone.

Maybe she has a ghastly little baby at home with horns and a forked tongue that she's afraid to bring out in public so she's out by herself gathering information to see if there are other bad babies like hers or if she really has given birth to the spawn of Satan.

If that's not the case then I have decided, (yes, that's right, I've decided!) that there is no excuse for that question!

So, for the record, THERE ARE NO BAD BABIES! Please, please stop asking that question, ever!

Babies can barf in our mouths, pee in our faces, scream all night long and then sleep all day when we can't. They can make messes, break things and embarrass us in public but that does not make them "bad," it makes them BABIES!

*Just keep in mind that these rules only hold true for babies however. If your boyfriend or husband does these things, kick him to the Curb!

I Know How to Get Your Kids to Eat Fish!!

2010-07-08T17:24:00.000-07:00

Edible Party Favors?

In my almost 30 years of parenting I have had the occasion to throw a party or two (gross understatement!!) for my children. I have also attended my share of toddler birthday parties. As Moms, we can be very creative in our efforts to make sure that our adorable tots enjoy a party of such epic proportions that they will remember it until their next nap time.
I have hosted backyard carnivals, hired a chain smoking clown (although, in my defense, his tobacco addiction was unknown to me until he announced in the middle of constructing balloon animals that he was “taking his break” and proceeded to light up with all the little darlings staring up at him in wonder), rented cotton candy and snow cone machines, made cakes of every shape and size and as the children got older I hired D.J.s and ordered so much pizza I think we single handedly kept Round Table in business!
But over all of those years and countless celebrations, there is one party that is forever etched in my memory. That would be the year that Jackie, one of my closest friends decided that goldfish were the perfect party favor.
It is just a commonly accepted fact that Mormons are in close competition with Catholics to re-populate the earth. The year that my 5th (and last) child was born there were 52 babies born in our congregation alone. Yes, that averages out to a baby a week. The year that our little “baby boomers” were to turn 2 years old, Jackie decided to throw a massive party and invited all of the little tots ranging from barely two to almost three.
The day of the party was an exceptionally warm, and by that I mean HOT, summer day. That’s just how we do it in the Sacramento area. The celebration was to take place in Jackie’s back yard where the children could enjoy her swing set and play structure, lemonade and cupcakes, finger painting, and a wading pool. However, this was no ordinary wading pool, oh no! It was much more than a place for overheated toddlers to cool off their little tootsies. It had become, with Jackie’s help, a veritable aquarium!
Yes, Jackie quite proudly announced that she thought it would be fun for these tiny tots to “fish” for their party favors…their very own goldfish to take home. So she armed the tots with little, plastic baggies and set them free in water that had already reached bath water temperature. As the delighted little ones swarmed the pool, Jackie gasped at the realization that the store must have sold her “sick goldfish” as many of them were already practicing the back float. She balked at our suggestion that perhaps the little fishies were not tickled about being dumped in water that was easily 25 degrees warmer than the bucket she had them in the night before.
I tried to keep my opinions to myself, (which is NOT my strong suit by the way), but as an experienced mother of five I could not imagine toddlers of this age grasping the concept of catching a fish and putting it in their bag to take home. What they saw was a pool full of wiggly, floaty, shiny things that tickled their toes as they stepped on them and brushed up against their tiny feet.
What happened next could have been easily predicted, but all of the following events took place so quickly that there was no time to avoid the inescapable. The time line went something like this:
Jackie sets approximately 200 goldfish free in a wading pool that is 8 feet in diameter but that only contained about 8 inches of very, very warm water.
The toddlers were then set free in a similar fashion to the fish. They scrambled into the water with their plastic backs clutched in their tiny fists, some of them teething or sucking on them as well, because as we all know, toddlers put everything into their mouths!
Within moments Jackie is horrified to discover that her faulty fish are not living up to their fullest potential.
Only seconds later a mother shrieks as she sees her daughter squash an innocent fishy under her cute little toes, while another mom announces that she has just found half of a fish floating near her baby. Simultaneously 52 moms are frantically prying open the tight little fists of their happy little ones and relieving them of their “catch of the day.”
I hadn’t wanted to be a spoiled sport so I had allowed my little Maya to play in the pool (before the first of the floaters was discovered), but due to the chaos and the sheer number of crying babies, and panicked mamas, I just couldn’t get to her fast enough when the gruesome discoveries began. Remember that all of this took place in just a few minutes.
By the time I reached Maya, I found her chubby little fist, full of HALF of a goldfish! Then I saw her little cheeks puffed out as she concentrated on enjoying the first half of her edible party favor! YUK!! I opened her tiny mouth and scooped my finger inside to pull out a partially masticated glob of what was once a goldfish! My child may not have been the only one to decide that it was a good idea to eat these slippery little treats, but I do believe she was the first.

I believe this is how sushi was discovered.

Yep, she’s still a leader to this day.
We all worked together to get our kids out of the wading pool as soon as possible, some of us scooping up two tots at a time, and carrying them across the yard where we hosed the pieces and parts of fishy carcass off of them.
None of the children took home a pet goldfish in a bag that day, as intended, but that doesn’t mean that some of the babies didn’t succeed in home a special favor.
As we all compared notes several days later, several of the moms had received very special party favors of their own just a day or two after the Great Goldfish Massacre when they changed their tot’s diapers…you get the idea.
Yep, a party like that is hard to top!

You'll Wait 30 years to Hear These Words!! (Give or take...)

2010-07-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

~The Progression of Children~

When children are born they are completely dependant on their loving parents for everything. As a matter of fact, research shows that babies actually do not even recognize themselves as being separate individuals from their mothers. More like a sort of extension of themselves.

As a baby enters “toddlerhood” they often suffer with separation anxiety and cling to their mommy for dear life at the very thought of any type of momentary separation.

A short time after this phase, toddlers become very aware that they are distinctly separate from their parents by exhibiting their own autonomy by using the word “NO!” emphatically and at every possible opportunity. At the same time however, there is a sort of idol worship taking place. Parents, especially mommy, can do no wrong. She is nothing short of a Goddess in her young child’s eyes. In my personal opinion, they have perfect 20/20 vision at this stage!

Then they start school and they discover the awesomeness that is a school teacher! In all things intellectual, everyone else takes a firm second place…even mom! Suddenly anything you tell your child is simply a theory, and your “theories” are usually wrong. Period.

By high school another shift in perceptions takes place. Our precious child comes to the realization that it is not teachers who have all of the answers as they previously supposed, they themselves do!

~Yes, teenagers, in fact, know EVERYTHING!~

If you don’t believe me, just ask a teenager. Seventeen years ago when my first daughter became a teenager she made it clear that there was nothing I could tell or teach her that she didn’t already know and the things that I had thought to be true were just plain wrong. Now, as I enjoy the many blessings of raising my fifth teenager…with many more years of wisdom under my belt than the other four times around, apparently I am just as dumb, if not dumber, than I was then. I guess I am intellectually regressing.

Bummer!

Good news! Somewhere in their early 20’s (or 30’s depending on the “child”), these young adults feel they must concede that we aren’t so dumb after all and that we may have been right a time or two.

Hallelujah!

And more good news still…at some point along their journey in life, let’s say after they turn 30, our blessed offspring turn to us and humbly acknowledge that parents are pretty smart and then they do what we thought was unimaginable. They do what we thought was only possible in fairy tales and Hallmark movies:

THEY ASK FOR OUR ADVICE!!!

So, hang in there, because I have to say that it’s almost worth the 30 years of arguing, disagreeing, incompatibility, fighting, bickering and squabbling to finally have your grown angel come to you and say,

“Mom, I need your advice.”

*Note these are my observations over my 30 years of motherhood and after many years of teaching Parent Education. I will not be held accountable if your child chooses to run off of a different time table. After all, being unpredictable and keeping us off balance is our children’s job.

Don't Shake Your Baby...REALLY????

2009-10-22T20:48:00.000-07:00

Ever seen one of those billboards imploring you not to shake your baby? Maybe I’m being overly logical or giving the human race too much credit but do we really need to be told not to shake a baby?
Of course I realize that there are a select few, deranged, insensitive, ignorant, child abusers out there that are guilty of this very act however, I do not believe for one second that they thought it was okay, or that it would not harm the baby! They lost their patience and temper, plain and simple. They lost control and they took it out on a baby. I do not believe that they would have behaved any differently had they passed a billboard earlier in the day reminding them not to shake their baby.
I guess I believe that, although there are messed up people out there, posting lessons in good behavior in public places is not going to make a huge difference.
It makes about as much sense as billboards that read, "Do not hit your baby with a bat", "Do not set your baby on fire" or "Do not step on your baby". Of course you shouldn't do these things! It’s common sense!!
Since when did we become a society where we have to tell people NOT to do harmful and illegal things by posting public bulletins for them?
Future bulletins might read: "Do not rob banks", "Do not set fire to public or private buildings", "Do not deal drugs", "Do not hit a cop (no matter how much he may deserve it)", or even "Do not kill people...it’s just not nice!"
Call me old school, but I believe that the majority of the population in this world know what is acceptable behavior and what is not. It’s just that some people don’t really care what is right or wrong, they just do whatever they want regardless of who it hurts.
So, instead of placing pointless warnings of common sense, perhaps billboards should show someone beating the hell out of someone that shook (or otherwise abused)a baby. Another could show an arsonist being set ablaze while another could show a murderer in front of a firing squad.
Other countries have less crime because they don’t coddle criminals and treat them like children that don’t know better! They make sure the punishment fits the crime. Perhaps we need to be a little (or a lot) more harsh with the convicted felons in our country.
I think it’s safe to say that signs like "Don’t Shake Your Baby" just aren’t cuttin’ it!!

Mercury and Other Playthings of the 60's

2009-10-08T14:56:00.000-07:00

I was recently struck with the flu and am just now recovering. I was surfing the net and researching chronic medical problems I've dealt with for most of my life and I came across something really mind blowing!
Perhaps playing with the mercury from broken thermometers as a child was not the best idea ever. I remember my mom breaking a couple of thermometers over a mirror and letting me play with it for hours. It was a blast! It's an incredible substance, the way it separates, then sort of "rolls" back together to become one little puddle again. If you squish your finger down in the middle of the puddle, you can make it separate into hundreds of tiny beads that almost look like crystal sand, but you can push it all together again! It tasted metallic. I was warned by my mom that she could not play with it because it would immediately bind with her wedding ring and ruin it.
As I read the myriad of symptoms caused by mercury poisoning, it read like my medical file! It causes damage to the central nervous system (mine's a mess), kidneys ( I've had borderline renal failure more than a few times), liver damage (I was an inch away from the liver donor list for a while there), damage to the endocrine system (what endocrine system?), cognitive and memory disorders...I can't remember what I was talking about...oh yeah, Skin problems (got that), reproductive damage (I've had around 20 miscarriages and still-births-no, I'm not kidding), damage to intestines (I've had most of mine removed), stomach disruptions (I enjoy ulcers), and DNA alteration. Don't know if that's any relation to an Anti-nuclear antibody disease I have but it sounds possible.
I'm a product of the 60's when people were largely uninformed of the hazards related to mercury. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED playing with it! I consider it a happy (potentially lethal) childhood memory. But there may be others out there that enjoyed the same type of carefree mercury play that I did. If so, I'd advise anyone that did to consider getting themselves tested for mercury toxicity.
Whether you played with mercury like I did, or not, we all survived somehow, as miraculous as it seems!
We also went without helmets on our bikes, shoes on our feet, seat belts and car seats in the car and yes, we even wore hats to school!
Considering the cautions we find it necessary to take with the youth of today, it's amazing we lived through the carefree days of our childhood!!

2009-09-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

The Fountains Were a Superliciously Good Time!!!

It seems that many people are still not aware that The Fountains in Roseville has an ongoing FREE concert series in the center court Wednesday, Friday and Saturday evenings from 7:00 to 9:00 p.m. that is family friendly!!

Last Saturday I was there to enjoy classic rock and current hits by Superlicious. They are an energetic band that is fun for all generations. They are not just musicians, they are entertainers!

When I first arrived, I wondered why no one was dancing? After all, Superlicious is a dance band and I've seen them play before. It's hard NOT to dance! I began to encourage some wiggly toddlers to get out there and shake their little booties. I asked the adults why they weren't dancing and they informed me that "some lady" told them that they were not "allowed" to dance. I asked if she was Amish, when the answer was no, I of course wanted to meet this woman and have a friendly chat. My friends pointed her out to me.

I found her sitting in the back eating God knows what, and barely phased by the sizzling vocals being belted out by the bands lead female vocalist, Tiffany Norvella. I immediately knew this woman didn't understand live music! I introduced myself and asked her if we could chat. She dramatically threw both her hands over her ears and yelled at me that she couldn't hear me because the "noise" was too loud. I thought perhaps her hands over her ears didn't help, but what do I know? I invited her to step away from the "noise" with me so we could talk business.

It took some convincing but she eventually hauled her ass out of her chair and had a talk with me. I was as polite and professional as I could be, I swear. As I explained to her that I was a friend representing the band and the fans, she picked the remnants of whatever she had been eating out of her teeth. I explained that Superlicious is a DANCE Band and therefore people expected to dance. I asked who she was. She simply said "Liz" but refused to give a last name. She also stated that she did not have business cards or any contact information for

The Fountains. When I asked her to clarify her position and authority to tell people not to dance she simply said she booked bands but did not work for The Fountains. Huh. That's weird, right?

So of course I had to ask her why no one was "allowed" to dance. She replied that before I got there the toddlers that were dancing were at risk of knocking over major scaffolds. Huh again. I said, "so you feel that the set up here is so flimsy that a dancing 2 year old could take it out?" She quickly denied saying that. Then she said the kids were unsupervised. I had to beg to differ as I knew every mother of each tot and they were all in the front row with their children and watching them closely. Then I pointed out that I had heard she also told the adults not to dance and that they must be seated. "Why was that?", I asked. She explained that their dancing would surely knock the scaffolds down and that it was "too dark" to dance anyway. It was a dangerous situation and she didn't want to be responsible!...wow. I had myself a live one! Her implication that The Fountains set up concerts under unsafe circumstances was HUGE! I then re-stated what she had said, "So you feel that the adults that were dancing were out of control and at risk to knock over the stage set up at any time?" Again, she denied that was what she meant....but that Is, in fact, what she said.

Finally she pointed to an even darker area (by the way, the area in front of the band where people wanted to dance was lighter than any club I've ever been in!) about 100 yards away and said everyone could go over to that deserted area to dance. I was incredulous! "You don't go to many [any] clubs or concerts, do you Liz?" To which she turned and walked away as she waved me off with her hand saying "Fine! Everyone can dance at their own risk!"

FINE!

So we did! Within minutes everyone was on their feet and having the time of their lives.

I'm still researching this and trying to find out just exactly who "Liz" is. So far, it's my belief that she's an evil Amish hater out to ruin the lives of those who know how to have a good time!

But good always prevails and everyone, children to senior citizens, had a great time!!!

The pictures speak for themselves!

A New Attraction at the State Fair!

2009-09-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

It's Called "Gangland"!

What could be a more wholesome pastime than taking your kids to the fair? After all, what is more American than that?

I know how I would have answered those questions a month ago. My opinion on the subject has changed considerably however, since I took my 15 year old daughter and her best friend to the California State Fair.

It was 104* that day and we pretty much melted. We went on Friday (opening day) and there was hardly anyone there...until 10:30 p.m. or so, that's when everything changed! I've never seen anything like it! There we were just going on one ride after the next with our unlimited ride wrist bands when we realized that the whole crowd had totally changed. No more families or cute couples! It was all gangs!! I don't have a prejudice bone in my body. It wasn't the color of everyone's skin that bothered me, it was the way they were dressed, their attitude and their language. At 11:00 we decided it was a good time to leave. We made it to the front gates while ignoring the many vulgar and threatening comments thrown our way. I stopped by some cops there to fish my keys out of my purse before we headed into the parking lot. Guess what? They weren't in my purse anymore. As I was searching I heard comments behind me like, "She be one fiiiine piece a ass!" and "That there be one hot, sexy mama!" and Maya's personal favorite as I desperately searched for my keys, "She be lookin' fo her crack pipe!" Wow! Good times. So, without keys we had no way to get home and no way to get in when we got there! Soooo, we headed to the lost in found...no keys. Hmmm, they be lost somewheres in da state fair! Bummer. I probably should've left the girls in the lost & found office but I didn't think of it at the time so we three headed out into the concrete jungle to find my "keys in a hay stack!"
We passed several (and I mean TONS) of groups of cops and asked each group if anyone had turned keys in to them. The answers were all the same; "No, and you girls shouldn't be here now. It's not safe!" DUH!! Then one of the cops pointed out how all of the groups of kids (ranging from 11 and 12 all the way up to late 20's) were wearing solid colored, matching t-shirts. Sure enough, there were groups in white, blue, red...whatever. The officer pointed out that they were all gangs and it didn't matter what color that particular gang wore, none of them were "nice guys" and we should get outa there. Great advice! I pointed out that I'd like nothing better but that, without my keys that was quite impossible.
That officer then pointed out that the area that we were walking into was the most dangerous. It was the Midway area and apparently the center of hoodlum hang out! He escorted us part way in when he announced he had to go back? Guess he got nervous. The thing was, the girls and I figured that we knew the most likely place where I would've lost my keys so we had to head back to that ride...regardless of where it was! We trudged deeper into the gang ghetto area of the fair until we reached the ride. The attendant was sitting outside the ride with, (TA-DA!), my keys hanging on a bucket next to him!!! Yay! I can't tell you how relieved we all were. We were then faced with the task of making our way back out of the "Riot Waiting to Happen" haven, and get out to our car in one piece. No small task.
The comments made to me earlier were nothing compared to the comments and vulgar suggestions that were being tossed at us from all directions as we attempted to inconspicuously slip out of there! Gangs of opposite colors were all around us and when they weren't yelling racial slurs back and forth to each other (which I find to be funny since they were ALL black, yet throwing the "N" word around like they could insult other African Americans with it, yet it wasn't an insult to themselves?) and trying to start fights, they'd focus on us and what "fine pieces of white ass" we were. Trust me, I'm sparing you the vulgar comments! I really would have been fine and not nervous at all if it was just me, but having my 2 pretty, teenage girls with me and the focus of so much gang attention and hostility was turning my stomach. Cops were everywhere but I guess they wait for someone to throw the first punch or wave the first knife before they do anything.
Well, we made it to the gate, with my keys in hand and I asked one of the 20 or so law enforcement officials standing there how well the parking lot was patrolled and if I'd be safe taking my 2 pretty girls out there. They said they had between 75-90 cops in the parking lot alone!!! Wow! If you wanted to commit a crime anywhere in Sac between 11:00 p.m. and midnight on any night of the Sate Fair, I'd say there wouldn't be a cop available to stop you!
So we practically ran to the car. I unlocked it with the fob on my key chain when we were within a few feet of safety and the girls practically dove into the car, slamming their doors! when I got in they were yelling, "Lock the doors! Lock the doors!!!"
As we drove out of the lot we saw several areas where squad cars had corralled groups of kids...okay, "gangs" and were either questioning them or arresting them.
Moral of the story...the state fair is just not a "family friendly" activity or place to be after 10:00 at night!

At least, not in MY opinion!

2009-08-14T11:08:00.000-07:00

I am so insanely excited...but then "insane" by my standards isn't really much of a reach.

My second daughter, "Sylvia", is expecting her first baby (and my second grandchild) in just a couple of weeks!! It is so amazing to have watched two of my daughters go through pregnancy and all of the glorious, uncomfortable hormonal and body changes that come with it. The funniest part though is probably how little Sylvia appears to have changed physically! I say appears because no matter how well you carry a baby or how small that baby bump appears to others, the fact remains that you still have a human being (hopefully) inside of you tap dancing on your bladder, shoving his or her foot into your esophagus and occasionally throwing you a kidney punch! Although I know Sylvia feels "huge", the fact is, at nine months she looks better than most woman ever do! She is almost 6 feet tall and has a very slender, athletic and well defined build. I personally think the baby is standing up since she can still pass as a non-pregnant woman if she wants to! She was here to visit from out of state recently so I had a baby shower for her. Afterwords, she started showing off her physique by posing in a variety of ways that really showed off her tummy and her six pack at the same time (which is weird, I'm not gonna lie!) to the protests of her husband telling her to, "Stop! You're squishing our baby!" We struck a deal that I would take pictures so she'd never feel compelled to "squish the baby" again. We got lots of great shots but my suspicion is she still does them at home in front of the mirror...after all, she IS a fitness model and would hate to lose her edge, besides, I know my girl.

Just Call Me "Granny"!

2009-05-26T22:24:00.000-07:00

As many of you already know, I became a grandma on May 13th! What you may NOT know is that I did so naturally, without any medication of any kind!
This would not have been possible 10 years ago. Back then I medicated myself just to floss my teeth! So, to me, watching my daughter give birth to my grandson without drugging myself halfway into a coma was quite a feat!
I didn’t scream once and I watched the whole thing! I even took pictures. It was an amazing and emotional event! I was so proud of MiMi! She did a great job and her son, Elijah James, is a miracle in every sense of the word! Little Eli was born 5 weeks prematurely yet still weighed in at 6 pounds! He was breathing on his own and is one healthy little fighter that was just meant to be.
The pregnancy was fraught with problems from Pre-Eclampsia (or Toxemia) to Gestational Diabetes. MiMi had quite a time but she’ll be the first to tell you it was worth it!
She and Eli stayed with me for about a week and just went home last weekend. We miss them both already. While they were here I got to experience all of the joys of being a grandmother! I was able to hold, cuddle and love on him…except when I had something else I had to do. Then I handed him back to his Mama…just like the “grandma book” says I should. I slept through the night even though he did not. But he is breast fed…what could I do? My nipples aren’t even sore…at least, not from him. My Hoo-Ha isn’t sore either…again, not from him. I have my figure back already too!
I know, I know…I’m one amazing Granny! If you aren’t a grandparent yet, I’ll bet you wish you were now!

Laughing All the Way to the Hospital: The Many Uses of a Stapler

2009-05-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

As the title implies, I have had more than my share of occasions to laugh my ass off all the way to the nearest medical facility. We are on the VIP list to every hospital and "Doc in the Box" in Northern California...and a few in Oregon (we go there to visit my parents and my children feel that a vacation is not complete without blood, stitches and/or a broken bone).

Being on the VIP list to these homes away from home has many benefits. First of all, we can walk right past all of the crowds waiting like injured cattle behind the velvet ropes. We are always greeted by name by people who are very grateful that I am putting their children through college. The most important perk however, is that when management learns that we're there, they rush out to greet us and give me a handful of horse tranquilizers. I've often wondered if the medication is for my injured child or me but they are too young for drugs so I don't ask...and I don't share.

In my next few posts I thought I would share some of my children's bizarre mishaps and traumas in the hopes that someone out there will identify and say, "Yes Cristie, I understand, my child did the very same thing!"

Here's the first of many...

For most parents, hearing from your child's school in the middle of the day strikes fear into their very soul. When I get such a call, I brace myself for some ridiculous situation or needless injury that my child has enjoyed in the few hours since I patted them on the head and sent them off for their quality, public education. When Sylvia was in the 3rd grade I received one such call. She was only my second child but the office staff and teachers were already very aware of my children's propensity to injure themselves in the most unlikely ways. I believe it was my children that prompted one school to raise their umbrella insurance policy, just as our next door neighbors had done.

Anyway, when I answered the phone, I couldn't help but note that the "office lady" seemed to be speaking in a somewhat halted, choking fashion. I realized quickly, as she explained my daughter's situation, that she was trying not to laugh. She informed me that Sylvia had embedded a stapler into her bottom lip. When the teacher was unable to dislodge it due to the fact that the staple was firmly planted in her lip but still stuck in the stapler, she sent her to the office holding the stapler to keep it from ripping a hole in her lip. When no one in the office had any better luck they called...the janitor. This may seem odd unless you understand that years before, "Joe the Janitor" had been a fireman. This makes perfect sense because as we all know, firemen are very proficient at unjamming staplers.

Apparently this was a skill that Joe had mastered years ago while fighting fires and he did successfully open the stapler and remove the staple, leaving Sylvia with 2 vampire marks on the inside of her now very swollen lip. I am a little miffed that they didn't take pictures before they used the jaws of life on that stapler, but life is full of disappointments I guess.

As the office lady attempted to explain the chain of events that had occurred I burst out laughing. I guess she just needed the green light from me because at that point she nearly exploded into fits of laughter and asked if I'd like to speak with Sylvia. Oh HELL YES I wanted to speak with her! This was priceless! Sylvia was handed the phone and said, "Huhwoh mom." I tried hard to control my own laughter when I asked the only logical question I could think of, "Sylvia, how did you manage to get a stapler stuck in your lip?" She gave me a very logical answer, "It wathn't working tho I twied it on my lip." Well, hearing her explanation through a very swollen lip was almost more than I could take. I practically dropped the phone laughing and I'm pretty sure I wet my pants.

For years to come, every time I was at the school, the office staff and "Joe the Hero" took great pains to remind me of the incident and laugh at me. Hey! I'm not the one who stapled my own lip! Go make fun of Sylvia all you want!

Congratulations (?) It's A Girl!

2009-04-21T09:17:00.000-07:00

What a proud moment it is for a parent when the doctor tells you, "Congratulations! You have a beautiful baby girl!" What he should say is, "I am so terribly sorry to be the one to have to inform you that you have just given birth to what will one day be the most overwhelming stress in your life!" He should then send you a sympathy card and a large bottle of Valium!
Don't misunderstand. A beautiful daughter is indeed a blessing...for all the men that want to date her! One day she's skipping off to the bus stop with her pig tails and back pack, the next day some hairy chested MAN with a deep voice is picking her up in his pick up truck to go "hang out". Ha! Fat chance! This guy hasn't met this mother yet!
I have been "blessed" with 4 truly beautiful girls, each with her own dazzling wit and charming personality. Three are out of the house. Only one of those three is married. I still worry about the other two since they aren't under my protective wing anymore. The youngest is still at home and 15. God help me now that she is getting into "dating". I have learned many things as a parent and it seems unfair not to pass on some of my hard earned wisdom to other worried moms and dads. If I can save even one person any heartache in this business of raising daughters I will feel my trials have not been in vain!
I have always made it a point to meet any young man hoping to spend any time with one of my girls. By "meet" I mean; introduce myself, take his picture, finger print him, copy his I.D. and interview him for at least 30 minutes. No, I am not kidding. I do all of this sort of tongue in cheek, but since I figure his tongue will soon enough be in her cheek...or so he is hoping, I hold nothing back! When the young Romeo in question begins to get nervous and ask why I am asking to copy his I.D. and take his photo I explain that I expect to see my daughter home that evening by the specified time (not a second later) and in the same condition she left. I expect her to have a good time and be treated like the princess that she is. If this does not happen, I now know where to find him, and so will the police.
Sometime during the interview process I will ask the young man if a total stranger has ever offered him the keys to his brand new Ferrari? Inevitably he will say no. I point out to him that he is a complete stranger to me and he is borrowing something much more precious to me than a mere physical possession. I would sooner give him the keys to my house than have him take my daughter out, but since she seems to like him, I will have to trust her good judgement and his fear of a mother's wrath. I wish them well and I sincerely hope that they have a lovely evening together.
I usually follow them out to the car and make sure that he opens her car door for her. If he forgets his manners, possibly due to the case of nerves my previous interrogation brought on, I gently remind him that a young lady should never have to open her own door and at this point that young man will fairly leap over the hood of the car to assist my little lady!
In well over a decade of pre-date interviews and countless suitors, never once has a young man failed to deliver my daughter home on time, no worse for the wear. I'm sure much of the credit goes to my daughters for being bright, intelligent girls. I also think part of the reason is my little introduction ritual which lets the young suitors know what is expected of them and what the consequences will be if they step out of line.
I have tweaked my tactic slightly for daughter number 4. Since she is a greater...'challenge' than the others, I have had to modify my approach to prepare her for dating life. I have taught her that it is illegal for anyone under the age of 32 to have sexual relations without a "sex license". (See Lie #3 of blog "It's Fun to Lie to Your Kids" 1/16/09) Heaven forbid she would break the law!
You may say I have a warped approach to parenting...but I sleep easier at night!

How Often Are YOUR kids in the Hospital???

2009-03-02T16:59:00.000-08:00

Is My Life Normal?...At All????

When it comes to the question of what is "the norm" in any given family for hospital stays, doctor's visits, broken bones, rare diseases, mystery illnesses and near death experiences, I don't think I have a good grip on it!

If you read my Bio Page, you will see that I've had my share of all of the above, personally and in my family. I'm afraid though, that the brief discription found there does not begin to cover it all, nor did it all end when I stopped writing that portion of my Bio.

I thought a brief update would be fun for everyone. Although this may read like fiction, all I can say is fiction is not this entertaining!

Let's start with my oldest Daughter Mi Mi. She has had MRSA, a serious Staff infection a.k.a. Flesh Eating Bacteria 3 times, yes THREE times in the last year. The most recent one being just a month or so ago when she was 5 months pregnant! She was of course hospitalized with a pik line which is an I.V. that feeds a very strong antibiotic directly into the heart. She also developed pneumonia due to her lowered immunity. Who ever gets this kind of crap once, let alone 3 times, in their whole life? But three times in a year?!! Insanity! She will be on strong medications for quite a while but she is out of the hospital and doing well, and so is her baby, so I can make jokes about it all now.

While I enjoyed time spent with her in the hospital blowing up countless rubber gloves, writing dirty jokes for the nurses on her whiteboard and smuggling in the necessary decadant frozen yogurt sundae to aid in her recovery, I also had another sick child at home.

Maya, my youngest child at almost 15, picked up Mononucleosis from her best friend! While her resistance was down she also enjoyed a bout of bronchitis. Three weeks later now, she is having a relapse! Yay! More medical experience for me! She is a definite over achiever so the toughest thing about her being sick is having to tackle her when she tries to sneak off to school. She's been so sick and weak lately that I can just blow on her and she'll fall over so it's easier to make her rest. Due to some chronic health conditions she enjoys, the school has a "504 Contract" on her. It's an immensely valuable program for kids that have some special needs due to physical or emotional conditions that may effect their work or attendance.

One of her health conditions is chronic clumsiness. She has broken 7 bones in the last 4 years alone! Nope, no osteoporosis. Just a clutz. She fell off of a step ladder in my closet trying to steal my clothes and broke her arm. She fell off of her platform shoes at school and broke her ankle. she fell off a skateboard and broke her arm...TWO separate times! Her 4 year old cousin took a flying leap at her and tackled her at the knees, from the side and "broke" her knee and she broke her arm (again) diving (for fun) across benches in the locker room at school and "flew just like Superman" she tells me, until she crashed into the lockers on the other side. She also enjoyed the benefit of a concussion on that one! As you can tell, she's an immense source of joy and entertainment for me. I owe a large part of my "in home medical degree" to her!

In the mean time, my 22 year old son Carson has been doing missionary work in the jungle in Guadalajara. As we all know, it's a wonderful place to experience exotic foods and tropical parasites! Yes, he's enjoyed TWO lovely stays in the sanitarily challenged hospitals in Mexico.

Oh yes, there's more. There's always more around here, but I'm sure you get the point. Here's the good part. I'm only partially kidding when I say I have an In Home Medical Degree (or I.H.M.D. if you prefer). I have dealt with so much illness myself and with my kids that it's been quite the education. The trick is, ask lots of questions. Never take a doctors word as gospel. Get second opinions. Do your own research. In this era of Internet information, virtually anything you need to know is at your fingertips! Only take medicine when it is absolutely necessary. Never stay in a hospital any longer than you absolutely have to...especially in Mexico.

Also, be your children's best advocate. Don't let the schools dictate your child's health care. Immunize only if you have researched it and you feel it's best for your child. No, you do NOT have to immunize your child. That is a fallacy! If your child is ill, especially for a prolonged period of time, make sure they have the same benefits of a public education that any other child has. If your child is chronically ill in ANY way and you live in the state of California, look into a 504 Plan. Other states have similar plans. Do your homework! It's worth it...and so are your children.

But when all is said and done, the best advice I have is to keep smiling and laugh whenever you can! It's so much better than moping around with a long face, feeling sorry for yourself and that doesn't help the situation anyway! Besides, when you laugh in the face of adversity, it makes people think you've lost your mind and that's hysterical!

It's Fun to Lie to Your Kids!

2009-01-16T16:51:00.000-08:00

Before you pass judgement on me, hear me out! My married, 26 year old Daughter recently told me that she couldn't wait to have kids so she could lie to them. It was one of my proudest moments!! Here's why...

I've always been very honest with my children about the important things. But when it comes to aliens, their heritage or sex...a little lieing can be benificial and a total kick in the pants!

Here are just a few examples of fun lies I've told my kids:

Lie #1) There are small green people on the moon.

Yes honey, (to my then, 6th grade daughter) it's true! I just saw it on the news.

I managed to convince her, so (obviously), she had no real choice but to share this bit

of ground breaking information with her entire 6th grade class during current events.

Apparently she was quite determined and convincing. The teacher questioned

her at length, but she stood her ground! That's my girl!! I recieved a call from her

(very confused) teacher that evening. She asked where I had obtained my information

but I could barely stop laughing long enough to tell her it was a joke. God bless kids

and their trust in their parents! Two nights later, the teacher called again to explain

that she'd recieved calls from parents of her students inquiring about the reliabilty

of this "current event". After that, no matter how much the teacher (and my

daughter) told the class it was simply a joke, they remained unconvinced, certain

that adults wanted to withhold the truth from them yet again! I'm sure they are

still walking around, as young adults today, convinced there are little green people

on the moon! Yay for me!

Lie #2) Yes Sweetie, You ARE One Eighth African American!

When yet another daughter was in 6th grade I told her she was an Eighth African

American.

Why, you might ask, would I tell my little white skinned, red headed, freckle faced

daughter such a thing? Because I could. I convinced her that my father had been

half black and my grandfather had been full blooded African American. I told her

those were not freckles on her face but dark pigmentations from her heritage.

She began to refer to blacks as "her people"! You can't imagine how funny this is unless

you've seen my daughter! So, there's this huge block party. I had to leave early.

My daughter stayed and apparently regailed all of our neighbors and friends with

stories of "her people". They were quite perplexed but she argued to defend "her

people" and "her heritage". Well, of course, I recieved a call from a curious neighbor

a day or two later. Once again, I laughed so hard I cried. I told her I was just messing

with my daughter's mind, as I feel all parents should do. Although I set the story

straight with her as well as my (irritated) daughter, I am sure there are still people out

there that are amazed at how white she looks for a (partially) black child!

Lie #3 You Must Have a Sex License!

I saved this for last because it is my personal favorite! When one of my girls (thank

goodness I have so many kids to mess with!) was about 10 or 11, I explained to her

(very matter-of-factly) that no one could have sex without a license before they were 32

years old. What a way to keep your daughter innocent for a very long time! If she asked

a question, I was prepared with an answer. "Yes, when people under 32 get married,

their marraige license IS their Sex Lisence". "Yes, some girls get pregnant as teenagers,

but they are fined heavily by the state." "Yes, there are holes in the law. It's not fair

that sometimes boys under 32 have sex and don't get caught but they are still breaking

the law!!"

You should hear her argue and defend this law, even today, at 14, with her friends! Wow!

Good times! I'm usually right there to back her up! After all, it's NOT a very well known

law. All of my older kids (she's the youngest) are waiting for the ball to drop when she

finds out it was all a story...but for the mean time, her innocense is protected! ; )

You may think I'm crazy but I feel no harm is done. I've raised all of my kids this way. When all is said and done, they laugh at my stories and their gulibility and it doesn't hurt anyone...but it's an endless source of entertainment for me!!!

Remember, No one said Parenting shouldn't be FUN!!!

Mom is ALWAYS Right!

2008-11-19T11:37:00.000-08:00

No matter how old my kids get, they know that Mom is ALWAYS right! How do I know this??

...When half of the Sacramento Sherriff's Department is standing in front of your car, ready to draw their weapons and telling you and your adult daughter to stay in the car and your daughter looks at you and says, "Do I have to mom?"...you know that as MOM, you have the ultimate power!

Let me go back just a bit...

A few years back my oldest daughter, MiMi, and I were enjoying a girls night out. She really needed to use a rest room. We were on a major street in Sacramento when we spotted an am/pm on the left side of the street. I, (being visually challenged and pre-occupied laughing with MiMi), turned left to enter the station, not realizing that there was a raised meridian separating the lanes. Well, the way I looked at it, once I had one set of tires over it, I was committed, so I kicked it into 4-wheel-drive and continued boony crashing over it and into the parking lot of the am/pm.

As luck would have it, this is where the entire Sacramento Sherriff's department goes for their donut breaks! When they observed my clever driving technique, their sharply developed sherriff senses, along with their keen sense of deduction, they concluded that we MUST BE some kind of dangerous, mother/daughter criminal master minds. With coplike swiftness they got down and poised one hand over their guns while keeping their other hands firmly grasped on their donuts and warned us to, "Stay in the car and keep your hands where we can see them!"...

By now I was parked with about 10-15 highly skilled (I can only imagine) marksmen ready to shoot us both. As I said, MiMi really needed to use the restroom, so she looked at me and said, "Mom, do I have to? I really have to go!" To which I replied, "No, of course not honey! They're just being silly!" Which, in my defense, they were!

So, she put her hands down (I thought that was silly too, so I never raised mine), and proceeded to get out of the car, despite all of the yelling, panicked cops telling her to stay right where she was. After all, MOM SAID IT WAS OKAY! Well, now this was really getting out of control, so I had to get involved. I couldn't just let them shoot my oldest child, now could I? I then got out of the car as well. Two cops actually unsnapped their holsters at this point! I was obviously the "kingpin" in their minds and VERY threatening! Is it wrong that I'm just a bit thrilled that armed police officers find me so intimidating??? I told them all to just calm down and finish their donuts while we all had a chat. Boy did they look confused at that point!

I explained that MiMi REALLY had to use the rest room (by now, she was already inside doing just that) and that when I saw the am/pm I simply wanted to turn in, not realizing the divider was there. Backing up after I was halfway over it seemed far more dangerous than just following through. Besides, I pointed out, I had four wheel drive! So I finished crossing the meridian, pulled in and parked.

They seemed to calm down a bit but they also seemed somewhat confused by the fact that it was I, not they, who took control of the situation. I think they were just disappointed that they didn't get to shoot something.

They did eventually "stand down", as they say, and by the time MiMi returned from the rest room they were satisfied that my driving manuever was simply a mistake and not an attempt to run them all down.

We went our own way, but to this day it is a family joke that Mom has the ultimate authority. Even over the law.

Isn't motherhood great???