Just Another Day at Wally World!

Another day, another reason to laugh!

I recently enjoyed the opportunity to visit a place where people wear their pajamas, regardless of the time of day, avoid showering the week (or month?) before they go, shuffle instead of walk and drive grocery carts without a valid license.
While I was there I purchased $140.00 worth of merchandise and received a priceless amount of entertainment!
For starters, I entered expecting the usual greeting from a person I like to call the "Crypt Keeper." I was disappointed on this particular trip however. I didn’t get my greeting. What a gyp! Since I had merchandise to return I was required to get an orange sticker on that item before continuing on to customer service. So, I obediently went over to the Crypt Keeper. She was, however, very involved in a serious discussion with a customer about the best way to ummm, un-constipate a Snicker-Doodle, or some other, obviously uncomfortable, mutt dog. Don’t get me wrong, I think her Snicker-Doodle has as much right to his daily cockapoo as the next dog, but I just didn’t want to hear about the lengths this woman had gone to, trying to assist her canine companion with his situation. But, I’m nothing if not tolerant, so I stood there, and stood there…and stood there. I finally (accidentally) stood on the Crypt Keeper’s foot. I heard crunching sounds but I’m sure it was just her shoe. No one’s bones are that brittle! When she yelled out in pain (she was obviously a drama queen) I jumped (probably on her foot again) at the opportunity to interrupt the Poo Police and ask for my damned orange sticker. That was, after all, her job! She seemed very annoyed that I interrupted after only waiting 10 minutes, but in my defense,

10 minutes of listening to pooch poo poo problems was like 2 HOURS in dog years!
Anyway, I finally returned my item after another enjoyable hour in line. On the bright side, I did get to spend that time conversing with a 75 year old man who thought I was “one hot mama” while being pelted with spit wads from the two adorable boys waiting in line behind me with their mother, who was obviously in the running for “Mother of the Year!”
Then, I had my shopping to do.

The Shufflers

I was amazed at the uncanny knack so many people have to completely block an isle by simply shuffling obliviously from side to side. Just when I’d think I could make it around them, they would totally break character by moving quickly into my path!
No Way Are You Passing ME! Wow! Where did that speed come from??
Then there are those who park their cart sideways in the center of the isle making it impossible to pass them unless you happen to be shopping in a hover craft…wish I had one.

Zoned Out!

Many shoppers like to just stand in the center of any given isle while staring at the merchandise. I’m not really sure what is going on there. I mean honestly, what possible reason could a person have for staring at cans of olives for five solid minutes? And why don’t they, when they see (they do SEE me, don’t they?) another shopper trying to get around them, simply step aside?

Quality Family Time

Then there are the families that like to shop together. Anyone who knows me, knows I am all about family. I used to take my children shopping with me too. But I also had manners, and taught my children to be polite and move out of the other shopper’s way. I think these people have another plan though. I think they are so frustrated with their kids, which is evident by the amount of yelling and spanking I always witness there, that they allow them to be rude and unruly just so that others have to suffer too! As I tried to maneuver my cart through the store, entire families would spread out in front of me, making me wonder, once again, if I was invisible, and have discussions and even arguments best reserved for the Jerry Springer show. The children would spin around and dance in front of my cart while mom and dad would stand, center isle, and have a heated debate over whether fluorescent colors and sugar in their kid’s breakfast cereal really did them any harm. By the looks of their kids, I’d say yes. I raised my hand but they never called on me for my opinion.

Speeders

As I cautiously exited an isle I was nearly t-boned by a frenzied looking woman who appeared to have styled her hair by sticking her finger in a light socket and a look on her face that said she was just waiting for a reason to pull her .38 special out of her purse and blow someone’s head off. Even though she was clearly exceeding the speed limit and a collision would have been her fault, I apologized and smiled. She actually growled at me and then grumbled something about my mother under her breath. I wonder if she really knows my mom?

The Family Speed Bump

The fun continued in the parking lot as I was trying to escape, I mean leave, Wally-World. Another family was just arriving to begin their reign of terror. They were facing my car and walking directly towards me. The entrance to the store was to their right but they did not want to have to move out of my way until they felt good and ready. I actually had to come to a complete stop…well, I didn’t have to, but I thought that saying that I thought the entire family was a giant speed bump might not go over real well with local law enforcement so I sat there a good three minutes while they walked about 75 feet or so before they gradually began their turn towards the store eventually allowing me to pass.

Just Plain Psycho

And just as I thought I was free and clear a man bolted out from between parked cars, riding a shopping cart like a scooter at high speed with his child in the cart! He pushed her directly into my path. I slammed on my brakes just barely missing them. I figure that either;

1. He didn’t see me
B. He was a complete Moron (and no, I didn’t say Mormon,
So calm down!)
3. He didn’t like his kid that much and was hoping to sue me and get rich.
Or…
D. All of the above

I personally believe it was D. Regardless, I have come to view shopping at Wally World as not just part of my job as a mother, but an adventure…and one that makes me laugh as well. So thanks to all of those who are socially and verbally as well as hygienically challenged. You make the world a special place!

What is a "Good Baby?"

Have any of you mothers ever been out with your little bundle of joy and been approached by a well meaning friend, or even a total stranger, and been asked, "Is he/she a good baby?"

This question always baffles me. Is it a "good" baby??? Really? As opposed to what? An "evil" baby?

I've raised a lot of babies and now I have grand babies. I know some babies cry more than others, fuss more and may not sleep as well, but does that make them "bad?" And I have to wonder, does the person asking the question have a bad baby and she's just comparing notes to see if she's alone.

Maybe she has a ghastly little baby at home with horns and a forked tongue that she's afraid to bring out in public so she's out by herself gathering information to see if there are other bad babies like hers or if she really has given birth to the spawn of Satan.

If that's not the case then I have decided, (yes, that's right, I've decided!) that there is no excuse for that question!

So, for the record, THERE ARE NO BAD BABIES! Please, please stop asking that question, ever!

Babies can barf in our mouths, pee in our faces, scream all night long and then sleep all day when we can't. They can make messes, break things and embarrass us in public but that does not make them "bad," it makes them BABIES!

*Just keep in mind that these rules only hold true for babies however. If your boyfriend or husband does these things, kick him to the Curb!

I Know How to Get Your Kids to Eat Fish!!

Edible Party Favors?

In my almost 30 years of parenting I have had the occasion to throw a party or two (gross understatement!!) for my children. I have also attended my share of toddler birthday parties. As Moms, we can be very creative in our efforts to make sure that our adorable tots enjoy a party of such epic proportions that they will remember it until their next nap time.
I have hosted backyard carnivals, hired a chain smoking clown (although, in my defense, his tobacco addiction was unknown to me until he announced in the middle of constructing balloon animals that he was “taking his break” and proceeded to light up with all the little darlings staring up at him in wonder), rented cotton candy and snow cone machines, made cakes of every shape and size and as the children got older I hired D.J.s and ordered so much pizza I think we single handedly kept Round Table in business!
But over all of those years and countless celebrations, there is one party that is forever etched in my memory. That would be the year that Jackie, one of my closest friends decided that goldfish were the perfect party favor.
It is just a commonly accepted fact that Mormons are in close competition with Catholics to re-populate the earth. The year that my 5th (and last) child was born there were 52 babies born in our congregation alone. Yes, that averages out to a baby a week. The year that our little “baby boomers” were to turn 2 years old, Jackie decided to throw a massive party and invited all of the little tots ranging from barely two to almost three.
The day of the party was an exceptionally warm, and by that I mean HOT, summer day. That’s just how we do it in the Sacramento area. The celebration was to take place in Jackie’s back yard where the children could enjoy her swing set and play structure, lemonade and cupcakes, finger painting, and a wading pool. However, this was no ordinary wading pool, oh no! It was much more than a place for overheated toddlers to cool off their little tootsies. It had become, with Jackie’s help, a veritable aquarium!
Yes, Jackie quite proudly announced that she thought it would be fun for these tiny tots to “fish” for their party favors…their very own goldfish to take home. So she armed the tots with little, plastic baggies and set them free in water that had already reached bath water temperature. As the delighted little ones swarmed the pool, Jackie gasped at the realization that the store must have sold her “sick goldfish” as many of them were already practicing the back float. She balked at our suggestion that perhaps the little fishies were not tickled about being dumped in water that was easily 25 degrees warmer than the bucket she had them in the night before.
I tried to keep my opinions to myself, (which is NOT my strong suit by the way), but as an experienced mother of five I could not imagine toddlers of this age grasping the concept of catching a fish and putting it in their bag to take home. What they saw was a pool full of wiggly, floaty, shiny things that tickled their toes as they stepped on them and brushed up against their tiny feet.
What happened next could have been easily predicted, but all of the following events took place so quickly that there was no time to avoid the inescapable. The time line went something like this:
Jackie sets approximately 200 goldfish free in a wading pool that is 8 feet in diameter but that only contained about 8 inches of very, very warm water.
The toddlers were then set free in a similar fashion to the fish. They scrambled into the water with their plastic backs clutched in their tiny fists, some of them teething or sucking on them as well, because as we all know, toddlers put everything into their mouths!
Within moments Jackie is horrified to discover that her faulty fish are not living up to their fullest potential.
Only seconds later a mother shrieks as she sees her daughter squash an innocent fishy under her cute little toes, while another mom announces that she has just found half of a fish floating near her baby. Simultaneously 52 moms are frantically prying open the tight little fists of their happy little ones and relieving them of their “catch of the day.”
I hadn’t wanted to be a spoiled sport so I had allowed my little Maya to play in the pool (before the first of the floaters was discovered), but due to the chaos and the sheer number of crying babies, and panicked mamas, I just couldn’t get to her fast enough when the gruesome discoveries began. Remember that all of this took place in just a few minutes.
By the time I reached Maya, I found her chubby little fist, full of HALF of a goldfish! Then I saw her little cheeks puffed out as she concentrated on enjoying the first half of her edible party favor! YUK!! I opened her tiny mouth and scooped my finger inside to pull out a partially masticated glob of what was once a goldfish! My child may not have been the only one to decide that it was a good idea to eat these slippery little treats, but I do believe she was the first.

I believe this is how sushi was discovered.

Yep, she’s still a leader to this day.
We all worked together to get our kids out of the wading pool as soon as possible, some of us scooping up two tots at a time, and carrying them across the yard where we hosed the pieces and parts of fishy carcass off of them.
None of the children took home a pet goldfish in a bag that day, as intended, but that doesn’t mean that some of the babies didn’t succeed in home a special favor.
As we all compared notes several days later, several of the moms had received very special party favors of their own just a day or two after the Great Goldfish Massacre when they changed their tot’s diapers…you get the idea.
Yep, a party like that is hard to top!

You'll Wait 30 years to Hear These Words!! (Give or take...)

~The Progression of Children~

When children are born they are completely dependant on their loving parents for everything. As a matter of fact, research shows that babies actually do not even recognize themselves as being separate individuals from their mothers. More like a sort of extension of themselves.

As a baby enters “toddlerhood” they often suffer with separation anxiety and cling to their mommy for dear life at the very thought of any type of momentary separation.

A short time after this phase, toddlers become very aware that they are distinctly separate from their parents by exhibiting their own autonomy by using the word “NO!” emphatically and at every possible opportunity. At the same time however, there is a sort of idol worship taking place. Parents, especially mommy, can do no wrong. She is nothing short of a Goddess in her young child’s eyes. In my personal opinion, they have perfect 20/20 vision at this stage!

Then they start school and they discover the awesomeness that is a school teacher! In all things intellectual, everyone else takes a firm second place…even mom! Suddenly anything you tell your child is simply a theory, and your “theories” are usually wrong. Period.

By high school another shift in perceptions takes place. Our precious child comes to the realization that it is not teachers who have all of the answers as they previously supposed, they themselves do!

~Yes, teenagers, in fact, know EVERYTHING!~

If you don’t believe me, just ask a teenager. Seventeen years ago when my first daughter became a teenager she made it clear that there was nothing I could tell or teach her that she didn’t already know and the things that I had thought to be true were just plain wrong. Now, as I enjoy the many blessings of raising my fifth teenager…with many more years of wisdom under my belt than the other four times around, apparently I am just as dumb, if not dumber, than I was then. I guess I am intellectually regressing.

Bummer!

Good news! Somewhere in their early 20’s (or 30’s depending on the “child”), these young adults feel they must concede that we aren’t so dumb after all and that we may have been right a time or two.

Hallelujah!

And more good news still…at some point along their journey in life, let’s say after they turn 30, our blessed offspring turn to us and humbly acknowledge that parents are pretty smart and then they do what we thought was unimaginable. They do what we thought was only possible in fairy tales and Hallmark movies:

THEY ASK FOR OUR ADVICE!!!

So, hang in there, because I have to say that it’s almost worth the 30 years of arguing, disagreeing, incompatibility, fighting, bickering and squabbling to finally have your grown angel come to you and say,

“Mom, I need your advice.”

*Note these are my observations over my 30 years of motherhood and after many years of teaching Parent Education. I will not be held accountable if your child chooses to run off of a different time table. After all, being unpredictable and keeping us off balance is our children’s job.