Just Another Day at Wally World!

Another day, another reason to laugh!

I recently enjoyed the opportunity to visit a place where people wear their pajamas, regardless of the time of day, avoid showering the week (or month?) before they go, shuffle instead of walk and drive grocery carts without a valid license.
While I was there I purchased $140.00 worth of merchandise and received a priceless amount of entertainment!
For starters, I entered expecting the usual greeting from a person I like to call the "Crypt Keeper." I was disappointed on this particular trip however. I didn’t get my greeting. What a gyp! Since I had merchandise to return I was required to get an orange sticker on that item before continuing on to customer service. So, I obediently went over to the Crypt Keeper. She was, however, very involved in a serious discussion with a customer about the best way to ummm, un-constipate a Snicker-Doodle, or some other, obviously uncomfortable, mutt dog. Don’t get me wrong, I think her Snicker-Doodle has as much right to his daily cockapoo as the next dog, but I just didn’t want to hear about the lengths this woman had gone to, trying to assist her canine companion with his situation. But, I’m nothing if not tolerant, so I stood there, and stood there…and stood there. I finally (accidentally) stood on the Crypt Keeper’s foot. I heard crunching sounds but I’m sure it was just her shoe. No one’s bones are that brittle! When she yelled out in pain (she was obviously a drama queen) I jumped (probably on her foot again) at the opportunity to interrupt the Poo Police and ask for my damned orange sticker. That was, after all, her job! She seemed very annoyed that I interrupted after only waiting 10 minutes, but in my defense,

10 minutes of listening to pooch poo poo problems was like 2 HOURS in dog years!
Anyway, I finally returned my item after another enjoyable hour in line. On the bright side, I did get to spend that time conversing with a 75 year old man who thought I was “one hot mama” while being pelted with spit wads from the two adorable boys waiting in line behind me with their mother, who was obviously in the running for “Mother of the Year!”
Then, I had my shopping to do.

The Shufflers

I was amazed at the uncanny knack so many people have to completely block an isle by simply shuffling obliviously from side to side. Just when I’d think I could make it around them, they would totally break character by moving quickly into my path!
No Way Are You Passing ME! Wow! Where did that speed come from??
Then there are those who park their cart sideways in the center of the isle making it impossible to pass them unless you happen to be shopping in a hover craft…wish I had one.

Zoned Out!

Many shoppers like to just stand in the center of any given isle while staring at the merchandise. I’m not really sure what is going on there. I mean honestly, what possible reason could a person have for staring at cans of olives for five solid minutes? And why don’t they, when they see (they do SEE me, don’t they?) another shopper trying to get around them, simply step aside?

Quality Family Time

Then there are the families that like to shop together. Anyone who knows me, knows I am all about family. I used to take my children shopping with me too. But I also had manners, and taught my children to be polite and move out of the other shopper’s way. I think these people have another plan though. I think they are so frustrated with their kids, which is evident by the amount of yelling and spanking I always witness there, that they allow them to be rude and unruly just so that others have to suffer too! As I tried to maneuver my cart through the store, entire families would spread out in front of me, making me wonder, once again, if I was invisible, and have discussions and even arguments best reserved for the Jerry Springer show. The children would spin around and dance in front of my cart while mom and dad would stand, center isle, and have a heated debate over whether fluorescent colors and sugar in their kid’s breakfast cereal really did them any harm. By the looks of their kids, I’d say yes. I raised my hand but they never called on me for my opinion.

Speeders

As I cautiously exited an isle I was nearly t-boned by a frenzied looking woman who appeared to have styled her hair by sticking her finger in a light socket and a look on her face that said she was just waiting for a reason to pull her .38 special out of her purse and blow someone’s head off. Even though she was clearly exceeding the speed limit and a collision would have been her fault, I apologized and smiled. She actually growled at me and then grumbled something about my mother under her breath. I wonder if she really knows my mom?

The Family Speed Bump

The fun continued in the parking lot as I was trying to escape, I mean leave, Wally-World. Another family was just arriving to begin their reign of terror. They were facing my car and walking directly towards me. The entrance to the store was to their right but they did not want to have to move out of my way until they felt good and ready. I actually had to come to a complete stop…well, I didn’t have to, but I thought that saying that I thought the entire family was a giant speed bump might not go over real well with local law enforcement so I sat there a good three minutes while they walked about 75 feet or so before they gradually began their turn towards the store eventually allowing me to pass.

Just Plain Psycho

And just as I thought I was free and clear a man bolted out from between parked cars, riding a shopping cart like a scooter at high speed with his child in the cart! He pushed her directly into my path. I slammed on my brakes just barely missing them. I figure that either;

1. He didn’t see me
B. He was a complete Moron (and no, I didn’t say Mormon,
So calm down!)
3. He didn’t like his kid that much and was hoping to sue me and get rich.
Or…
D. All of the above

I personally believe it was D. Regardless, I have come to view shopping at Wally World as not just part of my job as a mother, but an adventure…and one that makes me laugh as well. So thanks to all of those who are socially and verbally as well as hygienically challenged. You make the world a special place!