Laughing All the Way to the Hospital: The Many Uses of a Stapler

As the title implies, I have had more than my share of occasions to laugh my ass off all the way to the nearest medical facility. We are on the VIP list to every hospital and "Doc in the Box" in Northern California...and a few in Oregon (we go there to visit my parents and my children feel that a vacation is not complete without blood, stitches and/or a broken bone).

Being on the VIP list to these homes away from home has many benefits. First of all, we can walk right past all of the crowds waiting like injured cattle behind the velvet ropes. We are always greeted by name by people who are very grateful that I am putting their children through college. The most important perk however, is that when management learns that we're there, they rush out to greet us and give me a handful of horse tranquilizers. I've often wondered if the medication is for my injured child or me but they are too young for drugs so I don't ask...and I don't share.

In my next few posts I thought I would share some of my children's bizarre mishaps and traumas in the hopes that someone out there will identify and say, "Yes Cristie, I understand, my child did the very same thing!"

Here's the first of many...

For most parents, hearing from your child's school in the middle of the day strikes fear into their very soul. When I get such a call, I brace myself for some ridiculous situation or needless injury that my child has enjoyed in the few hours since I patted them on the head and sent them off for their quality, public education. When Sylvia was in the 3rd grade I received one such call. She was only my second child but the office staff and teachers were already very aware of my children's propensity to injure themselves in the most unlikely ways. I believe it was my children that prompted one school to raise their umbrella insurance policy, just as our next door neighbors had done.

Anyway, when I answered the phone, I couldn't help but note that the "office lady" seemed to be speaking in a somewhat halted, choking fashion. I realized quickly, as she explained my daughter's situation, that she was trying not to laugh. She informed me that Sylvia had embedded a stapler into her bottom lip. When the teacher was unable to dislodge it due to the fact that the staple was firmly planted in her lip but still stuck in the stapler, she sent her to the office holding the stapler to keep it from ripping a hole in her lip. When no one in the office had any better luck they called...the janitor. This may seem odd unless you understand that years before, "Joe the Janitor" had been a fireman. This makes perfect sense because as we all know, firemen are very proficient at unjamming staplers.

Apparently this was a skill that Joe had mastered years ago while fighting fires and he did successfully open the stapler and remove the staple, leaving Sylvia with 2 vampire marks on the inside of her now very swollen lip. I am a little miffed that they didn't take pictures before they used the jaws of life on that stapler, but life is full of disappointments I guess.

As the office lady attempted to explain the chain of events that had occurred I burst out laughing. I guess she just needed the green light from me because at that point she nearly exploded into fits of laughter and asked if I'd like to speak with Sylvia. Oh HELL YES I wanted to speak with her! This was priceless! Sylvia was handed the phone and said, "Huhwoh mom." I tried hard to control my own laughter when I asked the only logical question I could think of, "Sylvia, how did you manage to get a stapler stuck in your lip?" She gave me a very logical answer, "It wathn't working tho I twied it on my lip." Well, hearing her explanation through a very swollen lip was almost more than I could take. I practically dropped the phone laughing and I'm pretty sure I wet my pants.

For years to come, every time I was at the school, the office staff and "Joe the Hero" took great pains to remind me of the incident and laugh at me. Hey! I'm not the one who stapled my own lip! Go make fun of Sylvia all you want!